"Trust Issues" Feat. Me

I've never listened to Drake's "Trust Issues" and I don't plan on it. I have too many trust issues myself.

Let me tell you some thoughts I've been having these past couple of months about Victory.

Victory is not always what we think it is. We often see it as finishing a race in first place or a country winning a war they've been fighting. But, sometimes Victory looks different. It could look like saying "no" to doing something you used to do before you met Christ. It could look like taking home a child from the foster care system. Point is, Victory comes in a lot of ways. Tonight, Victory came to me in a thought.

Have you ever known that something was wrong but not been able to place your finger on just what it was that was bothering you? You may be feeling that way right now. That has been my whole life. There is a specific area of my life that I have felt so much pain, silence, and doubt in.

When I was a child, my parents got divorced. My dad went away and I lived with my mom. During this time, there were men that were interested in my mom. They would date, and then it wouldn't really work out. I had a lot of people in and out of my life. I don't blame anything but Sin for that.

A year or two after my parents divorce (which I did not completely understand), I started having these strange attachment issues. Kids act up and get sad when their parents or siblings leave, but the way I dealt with things was a whole new level. I couldn't sleep alone. I was always scared that something would happen to me or my family while we were away from each other. Every night for a long time, I couldn't fall asleep without someone next to me holding my hand. I would cry and scream because I was so terrified to be away from them.

Later on, I found out why my parents got their divorce. Not long after, I began to have issues with my mom and step-dad. People came and they went in my life. Friends, family, "so-called" family/family friends, church leaders, everyone. This went on for about 10 years.

During those 10 years, I only maintained one relationship-- my sister. As for everyone else, I could have cared less about what happened to them. I could no longer care about anyone. Everyone had left me and I had no idea how to maintain a relationship with anyone. 

I loved people with all I could, but our relationships were shallow. That was all they could ever be because I would never agree to let my walls down.

However, as I got older I realized that I would need to open up one day. I was going crazy and I just wanted to feel someone's love and know that I could be safe and trust them. I was going to church at this time, but God wasn't real enough to me yet. So I got a boyfriend. 

What else is a teenage girl to do when she's feeling hopeless, lost, and in need of someone to love and trust?
I'll tell you what followed this new found relationship... brokenness, sorrow, pain, and lots of misconceptions about what life was all about.

I found myself more lost than before, more guarded than ever, and full of cynicism about the world. That's when it happened...

God reached into my heart and tore down walls as I started begging for freedom. I prayed for victory. I believe that tonight God has revealed to me some of where this all started to give me insight. I always thought "I must have been born with these trust issues," or "Maybe cynicism is just who I am". Let me go ahead and tell you that is not true for me and if you've been thinking that too... it's not true for you either! Don't let the enemy fool you! This is a product of the sinful world we live in.

Victory is coming to me tonight in a thought that although these trust issues are deep-seeded, my God (the one who conquered the GRAVE), is STRONG enough to save me from them! He can give me Victory! No matter how many times people tell me that I will always be like this, I know that God has a better plan for me if only I will trust in Him.

If you can relate to this... If you feel like this has been you, let me encourage you that this is not the end! I encourage you to press on, my friend. Go at full force towards God and allow your Victorious Faith to bring you into Freedom and trusting relationships! It's not easy. I struggle daily, but I know that my God is making all things new... including me & you!

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any prayer requests concerning this topic or others. I would love to pray with you & believe for healing and change in your life! Our God is greater than anything we could ever face! Amen?