"Surrender All" - Jesus Culture
"How does God always know when to bring something back around?"
That's a question I ask myself a lot. His perfect timing literally shocks me. I'm going to tell you a quick story...
Once upon a time, I was in youth group. In my sixth grade year, my parents took me to church... scratch that, they dragged me to church. Yes! I was once dreadful of church... Especially youth group. I went on Easter to a church not very close to my house that seemed to be in the middle of no where! It was huge, and I really didn't care to be involved or even seen while I was there. I wanted to stay in the big church service so I wasn't alone, but my parents forced me upstairs to the Rotunda, the middle school youth room. I sat in one of the plastic chairs and stared straight ahead, "Why am I here?" echoed in my head. I got on my flip phone and pretended to be busy. An 8th grade girl came up to me, said her name, I said mine, we shook hands, and she said, "Hey you're really pretty!". I said thank you and she walked away. I felt a little less out of place, a little less insecure, and a little more at ease. Right before service started, a girl my age and one of the adult leaders came up to me & welcomed me. "Do you want to sit with us?" they asked. I nodded and followed them. A lot of people knew who they were and they were introducing me to a few others. I felt included. I felt like I belonged. Not very long after a game of Chubby Bunny, the message and worship took place. I hadn't made a decision towards Christ at this time, but I was moved by the fact that in a room of 300 kids I still felt like I belonged. I attended that same service for the weeks to come until I felt a tug on my heart; a literal anxiety rose up in me. I wasn't sure what made me feel like that all of a sudden. It was a tug to join the worship team. There was no announcement to join. There wasn't even an invitation. Something inside of me cringed when I thought about leaving without asking about it. So after service, my little legs walked right up to one of the only adult leaders I knew. My voice wasn't shaky, I wasn't sweating... I wasn't nervous at all. For some reason, I knew that this was what I was supposed to do. This leader pointed me to the Worship Leader & I asked him to be on the worship team. He handed me a CD to practice a song and sing it next week after service to audition with. I was terrified when he said that, but I did it. The next week when service was over, I got myself on that stage and stared at the wall. They began the track and I sang "Happy Day" OUT into that little microphone. I had never been on a stage, never used a microphone, and yet God had prepared me for that moment. From that moment on, Worship became a part of who I am. I began singing 3 services with the worship team almost every weekend. It just felt right. I got involved with small groups, children's ministry, events, set up/tear down every now and then, student leadership, and whatever else came up for me to serve in. I got a concussion one Friday night and still showed up to service that next day for worship because it meant the world to me. A lot of what I first learned about worship & singing came from that worship team.
Now let me tell you another related story...
I moved on to high school eventually & was not able to continue being on the worship team past my freshman year. However, in my freshman year of high school, I went to a summer camp that had an effect on the rest of my life. During worship, I felt God's presence in my moment of complete and total doubt. I cried, I sang, and I believed again. I heard God and was comforted in a moment of uncomfortability. After a few more songs, we had a spoken word artist get on stage and do her thing. I was so impressed by her ability to communicate a story and captivate people by her words while being so creative and thoughtful. This woman's gifting led me into a whole new world of spoken word poetry. I began to write my own poetry to express what seemed inexpressible otherwise. I kept following her poetry as she released new videos & different things that affected me so deeply.
During this time, I was heavily involved with church, loved my church friends so much, and could never imagine losing them or leaving them. There was one day, however, when things became too overwhelming where I was living. There was no "safe place" for me. My life was imploding and my soul felt as if it was dying each and every day. My anxiety took over during this darkest time in my life and I couldn't find help. I reached out to people, leaders, friends... no one could give me the sufficient help I was seeking. One night I broke down & decided that I had to finally give it up to God. I learned what surrender looked like through a series of dark and inescapable moments. One morning I woke up to find that my mom was gone. I wasn't sure what to do and I definitely didn't feel comfortable in my house. There was nothing to do that morning except go to church. So I went, and decided to be joyful no matter what. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me & I heard rumors going around about me that cut to the deepest parts of my being.
That is the day that I moved to California. I called my sister and brother-in-law who had been offering for me to live with them for a while. They left the baptism they were at immediately and drove to Las Vegas to come get me. I moved in with them that Sunday. The next day, I started my junior year of high school.
Why do I tell you all this? What did God bring back around?
Well, now I am a worship leader. That spark that was lit in me by God and fostered throughout my junior high years led to me becoming our youth group's worship leader.
And that passion and intrigue within me for spoken word has carried me through some dark times where I didn't know what to do or say, but it flowed out through some of the poetry I've written. I also got to perform once or twice something I had written.
And those church friends I couldn't imagine losing... some of them kept in touch, some of them didn't. Even now & then I would get to share about what God is doing in me and through me with them. In fact, I got to do that with them and my middle school worship leader recently....
(Hosanna Poetry from camp, Guy my middle school worship leader, and I)
I had a dream not that long ago that I was back at my old church doing worship. I got to reconnect with some old friends and mentors & share about God working in my life. Now how funny is it that I actually was out visiting Saddleback's Celebrate Recovery with our team because we are launching "The Landing" (a student Celebrate Recovery) and I saw them all on stage preparing for the main session worship!
What is crazy is the juxtaposition of who I was and who I am now. I was just a middle school girl with big dreams to become a worship leader. Today, God has made me into the youth ministry worship leader. I was just a friend from the student leadership team, and now God is using me to help build up student leaders. I was just a high school girl in a crowd of hundreds of students watching Hosanna perform her spoken word. Today, I have a passion for spoken word that given me an outlet for hurts and hangups that I couldn't express before.
This spontaneous meeting also answered a question I have been asking myself for a while. Am I truly a different person, changed by Christ? Or am I just different because I'm in a new environment?
The truth is, for a long time I thought I had just been placed in a new environment & adapted without becoming a new person because I was still making mistakes that I had made before the big move to California. However, when I saw my friends again, and Guy & Hosanna, I realized that wasn't true. I realized that I am a completely new person. I realized my life has been changed by Grace & the Love of God. I answered the long-wondered question of... Can God really completely change a heart like mine? Someone who waivers between extremes... being all in or all out, often times picking the latter when it came to things of God. Someone who has been deceptive & hasn't always regretted it. Someone who enjoyed being rebellious and disrespectful. Someone with a wayward heart like mine who kept running from God and wanted to manipulate Him to get what they wanted and then leave him all together. The answer is yes, He can. Because that person is not who I am anymore. I am a new creation. I am for God. I am running toward Him. I am obedient to Him. I am all in.
2 Take-Aways:
1. Don't doubt the small moments in youth ministry. I'm sure it never crossed Guy's mind that his influence on me as my middle school worship leader would spark a desire to become a worship leader. I'm sure Hosanna may have prayed that her spoken word would touch someone in that crowd I was standing in, but I wonder if she knew it would open a door for me to be able to deal with things I didn't know how to deal with. Giving students a ride home or telling them they're gifted at something or just complimenting them may change their whole world. It may lead them in a direction they never would have thought of otherwise. It may change the world... What if it called out all the next-gen Worship leaders, lead pastors, youth pastors, business leaders, small group leaders, children's ministry pastors, authors, doctors, engineers all for the Gospel?
2. Maybe life is hard right now. Maybe you have a wayward heart as I did. The answer is not running away. It is not to avoid the problem. The answer is turn towards God no matter how much it hurts for Him to chisel away at our rebellious sinner's heart. We need Him. We need to surrender & we need His grace. I can promise that God will create a testimony out of your life when you give everything over to Him. You will be reminded to look back one day as I did recently and ask the question, "Did God really completely change a heart like mine?" And your answer, given that you commit your whole life to becoming more like Him & following Him, will be yes. Nothing is impossible for God.
I want to encourage you to never give up... in youth ministry, or in your own life. Never give up on your students. Never give up on yourself. Nothing is impossible for God.
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