It's been a while since I've had a minute to sit down and blog again. However, I feel like there's been a lot on my heart recently. Lots of things have been weighing on me and God has been speaking. I haven't gotten it all figured out, but I want to share with you while I'm on the journey. I figure that way makes more sense when you're going through something. You can know that someone else feels the same.
So God and I have a funny relationship. Often times, I find myself all in to His plans. I always tell God, "Whatever you say, I am down! You're my ride or die, God! It's just You and me!" And then can you guess what happens? I see something I like or that I want and God gets pushed aside. Can you relate?
I say this out of a genuine and sincere heart that wants you to feel comfortable enough to be bold and share with a trusted friend or mentor if you feel you are doing the same (especially if it's in an area that you know you struggle in).
So what's been up recently? Well, I feel that over the past few months I've been given two words from the Lord. These two words are the LAST words that I want to hear right now... or really, ever. The two words the Lord has given me are: sacrifice and wait.
What!? God, I thought we were cool! I thought we were besties! Besties don't do each other like that!
After my mini hissyfit with God, I asked Him what He meant. I started to surrender to Him and honestly wanted to seek out whatever He had planned. He said, "I want you to sacrifice. And then wait."
So I did. Or, so I thought...
It's not like the sky is falling or my life is in shambles, but I felt like God really started to wreck me. My response was, "Alright, so like.. what up God? I've been sacrificing and waiting and all that I see is things getting taken away or not even given to me. I thought you had my back?" Have you ever felt like that? Like you're doing so much for God, yet your life isn't becoming what you want.. or what you thought God might want for you?
About two Sunday mornings ago, I was at the altar. I was laying down plans and pain and hurts and control. I ran out of words when I heard the word "sacrifice" from God. I started getting a little irritated. And in my frustration with God's response, I started to cry. All of a sudden, I feel someone coming up to pray for me while I'm at the altar. I was still kind of frustrated because I felt like I kept hitting a wall every time I would talk about this sacrifice thing with God. I prayed that He would see my hard work and that He would bless it. I realized it was our lead pastor praying for me. I began to break down when he started to pray about what I was just telling God. I knew God was going to be doing something crazy after this.
A few days later, I'm leaving our young adults service and our young adults pastor says, "He sees everything Kimy." And my first thought is, "Great! How many people know about this, God?" Haha. God is funny that way.
Eventually, I find myself in a place where I know God is speaking to me. It's just me and Him in prayer and He's reminding me of something He told me long, long ago. It can be summed up in Matthew 6:33, "But seek first His kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I've had that verse in my mind for a year. God keeps telling me, focus on your calling and growing closer to Me and everything will come in it's time. Yet, we all have fears. And those fears push us hard. They make us do things we never thought we would and say things that we regret.
Let me just say, I never wanted to be wrecked. When do we ever? I just wanted to be changed. But.. do you realize that when you ask God to change you, you're basically asking Him to wreck you? We have all these ideas about the world and all these dreams & plans... we need to lay them down and see what God does with them. A lot of the time, it takes God taking some stuff away and giving you some things you maybe didn't even want so that you can be changed. And that's a good thing, even though we don't always see it like that.
I think a lot about past relationships when I try to grasp the concept that God knows better than me and has better plans. I remember just how "in love" I may have thought I was with previous relationships or crushes. Then I thank the Lord for taking me away from them. Lol. When you realize you do not know what's best for you, it might change your perspective and give you a more surrendering heart.
Last Sunday night, I had a conversation with one of our pastors who didn't even know about any of this stuff going on for the past few months. He told me exactly what God has been telling me... Follow your calling and see what God does.
Ever feel like, "Man, you're always right, God. It's hard for me to accept!"
So I'm not here to tell you that I figured out some secret formula to figuring out God or His plans for us. I'm still trying to accept the little things He's been doing. But what I am here to say is that if I can do it, even through the struggling, you can do it. And I'm here to remind you, I'm human just like you. We both make mistakes, but God is going to take care of us. I know I'm writing to someone who needs this. Be encouraged that in all my struggling, I'm attempting to find a way with God so that I can share with you about it. But until then, I want to remind you that it's okay to struggle. It's okay to not know what God is doing. He will pour out blessings and provide you with provision and protection because He loves you. Allow Him to mold you. Be the clay, and be not a hardened clay. Be like a soft clay in the hands of the One who knows just how you shall be molded. It's okay to be cliche and say, "I'm going to let go and let God." But in saying that, you really do have to let go... of control. He knows you, what you need, and who you need. Let Him do the hard work that only He can do.
Here's a song for your day. Be blessed, my friend.
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