Being Still

All Glory be to God. This is a very personal post, and I hope that by sharing my struggles it will speak to someone going through the same.

I have a very hard time being still. I have a very hard time admitting that I have a hard time being still. I don't like to ask for help and if that means I mess up, most likely I will do it anyways. I am stubborn and prideful at times. God knows all this.

As I write this, keep in mind it's only Wednesday... I thought that today was Sunday when I woke up. That's how long this week has felt.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to talk with one of my best friends. We talked about stress (did I mention I stress...a lot?) and being still. She shared with me one of her ways that she relieves stress and her Still Time with God. I sat there just wishing I could bring myself to do that. I thought through my week and it went a little something like this: Sunday night I began feeling a little stressed. Monday rolled around, and it got worse. Tuesday hit and I was ready to break down. I really wanted to sit and cry, and I planned a time to be with God and have Still Time and cry. That didn't end up happening. Stuff got in the way and I prioritized the wrong things. Honestly, I wasted my night on myself calling it "relaxing" when in fact I was sitting here making things worse on myself. This morning (Wednesday) I woke up and thought to myself, "I'm late! I'm going to miss church!" . First of all, we have too many alarms in my house to miss church so that was not going to happen. Second, I had to go through what yesterday was and what had just happened.... I realized it's Wednesday and then thought, "Wow, I must be stressed... It's been such a long week."

Honestly, this whole week God has been telling me to stop doing things and just sit and talk to him. I kept saying I would, but I was "way too stressed and upset" -- aka an excuse not to spend time with God. 

A little bit ago, I heard God reminding me again to spend time with him. So I said, "Okay, I have a minute. Let's talk." Which led to me watching an amazing sermon by Francis Chan on God's Strength (which I will find and post for you eventually). This got me going so I began praying -- at first half heartedly -- into a prayer that started to change the way I was feeling. I was honest, I was sorry, and I was seeking Him. But something still felt wrong while I was doing all this. God responded to me saying that I was still not Being Still. I was so confused... What do you mean?? I spent at least 30 minutes right now watching this sermon, now I'm praying... I thought this is what Being Still looks like! God is awesome. He told me to put the clothes that I was folding down, "You said that you wanted to follow me. That you want to yield your heart to Me. When I say something, I need you to do it." 

I didn't think folding clothes would be a big deal while I'm having devotional time.. and maybe it's not for you; but as I began to put the clothes down and pray and sing it became so evident that until I stop doing something, my Go-Go-Go mindset will keep... well, going. If I'm constantly doing things and not giving my full 100% attention to God in the time that I spend with him, I'm really doing myself a disservice and not giving Him my full praise. 

So that's when it hit me. My Still Time doesn't necessarily look like everyone else's, but it's my time to be in the Secret Place with God. I fell in love with Him all over again as I sat in awe at His beauty. I couldn't say anything for a while. My prayer became the song I was hearing. I was sitting, curled up, understanding things God has done in my life that I didn't understand before, getting a peace over my week, being blessed by the beauty of God, and baring my soul.

This may not seem like I completely bared my soul to you all, but it's hard for me to admit this; but, there is a peace and a freedom that comes with admitting that we're weak without God. There is also strength found in trusting in Him and listening to Him when he calls.

If you didn't get anything out of this, I want to leave you with one last thought:

What you believe about God will determine your worship.

If you're thinking, "What does this have to do with Still Time?", let me encourage you to believe something new to you about God and see how it changes your Still Time with Him. For example, I was listening to a Young + Free song and heard "God of Everlasting Wonder". I began to think of the 7 wonders of the world and how beautiful some of them are. That led me to think that if God's creation is beautiful to us, imagine how beautiful God is! That took my worship in my Still Time to a whole new level. After baring my soul to God, that thought began to lift me up. God reminded me that He is beautiful, and that that beauty and wonder and strength is available to me 24/7. It gave me a peace. 

I'm going to leave you with a few songs that really led me today in my Still Time.

Gracious Temptest - Young + Free

End of Days - Young + Free

Back to Life - Young + Free

Have a blessed day + a wonderful Still Time!

Running Away

I remember a particular night when I went on a run "just for the fun of it". It was nice outside + I was really looking forward to getting some exercise (for the first time in forever! Lol). I also needed to clear my mind, so I thought I might as well go for this run. However, spending time running didn't help to clear my mind. Instead it basically it gave me a reason to stress out. I remember starting out jogging + then beginning to feel really weighed down by my own thoughts, "Gotta do this when I get home", "I shouldn't have made that comment", and the list goes on + on. I spent more than enough time getting down on myself that I stopped running. I couldn't see anymore from the wet tears fogging up my vision and streaming down my face. It had hit me-- I had let the stress of life take over the beautiful night run that I had been looking forward to. So instead, I decided to keep running.. sprinting even-- faster than before. I ran so fast and with so much might that I felt like I couldn't stop myself even if I wanted to. I was sprinting through the trees + continuing to cry because I felt like if I could just run fast enough, I could run away from my problems. Silly, I know. But in my desperate endeavor to fight hard enough to run away from everything, I in fact found myself staring right at them. Instead of them going away, I just kept thinking of them more. I thought, "Maybe I'm just not running fast enough". I came to an abrupt halt as I began to not be able to see again. With only the night surrounding me, I felt defeated. I knew I could never run fast enough to escape the stress I was feeling. In fact, I knew no one could. It was something that I just had to face.

I tell this story to give you a glimpse into the kind of person that I am. I get told on almost a daily basis, "Kimy, chill out. You stress too much." Now I agree. I'm not going to deny that, hahaha. Sometimes it just seems so hard to find a solution to the stress.

Just last night, a woman asked me how I stay encouraged in ministry. My response was a mix between a dying whale and a stuttering "Uuuuhhh.. welll....". We got past the awkward response that I gave her and began to talk a little more. As we went through certain situations + what I do to when faced with disappointment in ministry, I was glad to have given her 3 pretty well developed points. These points, I personally believe, will not only apply to overcoming disappointment in ministry, but also to overcoming stress + anxiety. Here are the three points (not in any order):

1. Identify the problem.
Yes, of course I identified the problem, Kimy... But what do I do about it!?
Alright, stay with me for a second. Sometimes we blame ourselves for things that are not our fault. Can I say that again? Sometimes we blame ourselves for things that are not our fault. YES! It's true! Sometimes we look at a situation like "Why doesn't she like me?" and think that it's always got to be our fault. Now here is the catch... sometimes it is our fault, and we need to take responsibility for that. For example, you're stressed that someone doesn't like you.. Well, if you did something to hurt them or upset them, yes that is something you must take responsibility for (and please mend something like that). But, what I want you to understand is that you can only control yourself -- no one else. So be responsible for your actions, and if someone is upset or something bad has happened + you did the best job that you could do + the stressor is not your fault, then... in the words of Queen Elsa, "Let it gooooooo, let it gooooooooooo!"
Also, identifying the problem is a great first step. Another part to my personal process of identifying stress is writing it down and writing out my feelings about a situation. When you are able to express what you're feeling (to a journal, or a friend), you are able to somehow feel a little more confident over the situation. And you are getting your feelings out. Who doesn't love to do that!?
Once you've identified the problem and whether or not it is your fault, you must decide your course of action. I can't tell you what you're supposed to do. That is between you + God. The purpose of identifying the problem is not only to conquer it (which is the hopeful end result), but is also to realize that it's not always as big as we think. When we have lots of stuff going on in our heads, we tend to make situations bigger than they are, lists longer than they need to be, and people + problems worse than they actually are. So, to reiterate, identify the problem.

2. Pray about it.
You knew this one was coming. In fact, if this list was in order, "Pray about it" would be the first point. Seriously, you don't even know the kind of answers I've gotten from God about issues I've faced + how greatly that's helped me. Bring it to God. Surrender it. I don't mean write it on a sticky note and stick it to a miniature cross (although that is a great sermon illustration + incredible way to start the conquering process). Don't do something as an action of the physical (ie sticky note + mini cross), but rather do something as an action of the heart. Say it until you mean it: "God I surrender ______ to you". You don't have to use my words or outline for how I surrender things to God, but find a way that works for you. A lot of us are moved by music. Maybe you listen to a worship song over and over as you pray about what's stressing you out until you feel at peace. There are many ways to go about surrendering. Do it in your own way.
Prayer is a conversation with God. So let Him have his time to talk too. Don't shut him out when He begins to speak... A lot of times it's not exactly what we want to hear, but it's what we need to hear.

3. Declare Victory!
Does disappointment/guilt come from God? What about anxiety? No, of course God wouldn't instill these in us. He wants to give us life to the fullest. It wouldn't make sense for him to fill us with guilt and anxiety... that's not who He is. Therefore, we can understand where these feelings are coming from-- Satan himself. I find that I feel the worst about myself after really great things for God's kingdom happen. Or even right before. I remember having incredible (in a bad way) nightmares about demons the night before one of the most impactful youth conferences I've ever been a part of. Satan tried to scare me.. make me lose sleep.. throw me off my game... make me lose sight of the One who holds me. But in the moment that I woke up from that nightmare, I declared victory in Jesus' name over my situation! I spoke truth into the situation, quoting scripture.. singing worship songs.. declaring Jesus' name over our home.. praying protection.. and readjusting where my focus had been placed. I fell back asleep and had a wonderful day working at the conference where God's kingdom advanced.
Declare victory in your life. God's got it, right? And that doesn't mean you don't need to take action.. God will direct your steps when you ask him, draw near, and listen (in hearing + in action). Pray provision over your situations + know that God is bigger than anything you are facing this day. (Also, he's bigger than anything you will ever face. Keep that in mind.)



So, not in any order, but keep those three points in mind if you are struggling with disappointment, guilt, anxiety, fear (the bad kind), etc. And if you are in need of anything, prayer, encouragement, etc. do not hesitate to send me an email (kimy.brennan@gmail.com).
Here is a worship song that impacts me when I'm feeling weighed down by stress. Listen along with me:

End of Days -- Hillsong Y+F

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